Tuesday, February 28, 2012

What No One Ever Told Me

Here's something no one ever tells you, or maybe everyone knows it except me; perhaps I missed that day of school. But what it is that I think is missing is this: that when you break off emotional contact with someone special (I hate to use the word "Love", but perhaps that's what it is), you end up hurting. Right? Can everyone agree with me? And sometimes it will have been a long-time thing, or even just a day, or perhaps you talked to this person once. The length of time doesn't really matter. The thing that matters is the connection, and then that connection being severed, in one way or another.
Sometimes, not all the time, but for me, most of the time, I end up feeling bruised. Heart-heavy. Sore. Damaged.
I'm not talking about heart ache, or getting over someone. It's more personal, and less easily tied to the other person. It's deeper, more of a disappointment in yourself than anything else, and normally you can twist that feeling into "gained wisdom", but it's still got a negative element running under it.

Anyways, the thing no one ever tells you is that that deep, deeper than the heart level ache, it never goes away. You go from relationship to relationship feeling more and more damaged and broken in little ways. Sure, you become older, more mature, more careful, but you carry the scars. Years and years and years can pass, and you can have forgiven the person, moved on, sincerely wish them the best, and yet- and yet.  HOW COME NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THIS??? That at the end of something you can't just wipe the slate clean and carry on, having completely hoped to escape any negative effects? WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT IT? Why does no one say "be careful, you can't leave behind your experiences, they shape who you are, for BETTER and for WORSE". The damage done on this deepest of levels is permanent, and the best you can do is to try and carry on anyways, being more cautious that it won't happen again.

Maybe they did talk about it. Maybe I just wasn't listening. Maybe it had to be that I find this out for myself; maybe I wouldn't have believed it if anyone else said it.

I am just recently discovering this. I think most people must have figured it out in junior high, but then, I was always a late bloomer.

What is running through my head these past couple of weeks:
(Tall Trees in Georgia)

The sweetest love I ever had 
I left aside 
Because I did not want 
To be any mans bride 
But now I'm older 
And married I would be 
I found my sweetheart 
But he would not marry me 

When I was younger 
The boys all came around 
But now I'm older 
And they've all settled down 
Control your mind my girl 
And give your heart to one 
For if you love all men 
You'll be surely left with none 

Tall trees in Georgia, 
They grow so high 
They shade me so 
And sadly walking 
Through the thicket I go


  1. I figure that it is impossible to walk away from the realization that you are unworthy to another. That shrivels your gut.

  2. EXACTLY JERRY. And I guess on some level your gut never completely unshrivels, haha

  3. Hate the poem. So old-fashioned.