Monday, May 31, 2010

Elope with Me

It became too much, then, and the air was full of ribbons of emotion and alcohol and regret and thankfulness. I had known, deep down, that I would see him again before I left. It was fate.
And so I let it slide, or I tried to, but the bitter and immature feelings that rose up manifested themselves in the form of grabbing Matt's leg as he sat beside me in the booth, and he understood perfectly without any words passed between us and he slung his arm around my shoulders and pretended to by my boyfriend for the night.
K let the cat out of the bag by revealing that I was leaving, and I was glad she did because I wanted him to know without my having to say anything.
But I recovered fast this time, you know? No major wishes for the ground to swallow me up, and it didn't feel like a thunderbolt.
I believe that one day it won't effect me in the slightest.
And that my polite and friendly act will be sincere.

And the next evening after all my goodbyes, I drove to the top of the cliff and sat on a wet bench and cried. And watched the storm clouds roll over the city, and watched the car lights grow brighter and the river valley grow darker as if to mimic my mood: less and less shades of grey, more and more complete highlights and intense darkness. I didn't cry over what I had lost; I cried selfishly out of fear for what lay ahead, cried because I loved le Terrible but not in the right way, cried for delicately built friendships that I took for granted, cried because I was tired of being brave and strong and independent when I just wanted to curl into a ball and have someone take care of me. I didn't weep. A couple of tears escaped, but that's all. I shivered in the damp wind, and thought how strange it was to have snow in what was practically June.

I think I'm half way gone already. I've cut the ties, burnt my bridges, packed my bags. You can see right through me, vaguely, if you look hard enough.


  1. Last night, crying on a cliff...
    Well, all I can say is I wish I had been there too. I would have wrapped my arms around you and we both would have cried. Then I would have suggested that we get the hell out of a place in which it was possible to have snow in June.

    I will be thinking of you LOTS during your adventure and dreaming of the day we set out on adventures together again

  2. I've never encountered anyone who could right so candidly and so poignantly about all of life's emotional ups and downs. This is such a trip, tearjerking in its glory, a paean to separation.

    Sorry you were crying up there all by yourself, friend. Parting is self-induced sorrow. But your tomorrows look pretty golden in the Mediterranean, I must say. Don't rule them out.

  3. jac: well, as per your usual style the getting here was a disaster, but now i am glistening and enjoying athens in all its glory. wish you were here to get stared at with me ;)

    postman: why thank you. when i write about things like that it makes it feel much better, like drawing out the poison. and my todays are now pretty golden too.