I have this dilemma, and once I polled my friends it became clear that I wasn't the only one with this problem. It results from a desire of wanting to have absolutely everything, and being unable to make up my mind which is better. I (we, us) feel, though we are surrounded by a million amazing, wonderful, stupendous friends, that certain hole that comes from not having a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other who GETs me, who UNDERSTANDS me, and has that soul connection that happens when you are in a relationship with someone. You feel like everybody else is coupled up, and you too want that. But of course you don't want it so badly that you just pick up the first cute guy you see in the bar. On the other hand, I am so happy not being in a relationship right now... I can go to Europe for the summer and not feel bad for leaving him behind, I can move to Vancouver/Montreal/New York and not break someone's heart. I am freeeeeee, and my freedom is incredibly important to me. I can meet a thousand new boys, be feted and wined and dined, see and do incredible things, date musicians and artists and pilots and college students and waiters and wrestlers and chronic thrill-seekers, yet...
I just want someone who can keep up with me, y'know? It's lonely being far out here. I want someone who has the courage to not be intimidated by my single raised eyebrow (when I'm skeptical), who has the confidence to tell me he loves me every day (because otherwise I'll run away), who understands that I spend too much time day-dreaming and am spontaneous and need someone to keep my feet on the ground, who isn't afraid to leave behind everything he knows and come see the world with me...
It's not that I don't look, or try. I try with boys all the time, give them a fair chance, get attached, but they just end up not working out. But I just want someone to love me the way I am, even when I'm being quirky and smirky; someone who makes me be the best I can be.
Cause we (those of us who dream and attain to something more than your run-of-the-mill relationship, those of us who need not a spark but a bonfire, those of us who believe in the possibility of LOVE), we are the loneliest ones.
And right now, it kinda sucks.
My dear Jane...You have such a beautiful mind. You truly are a sensitive soul, different from the average. No wonder you have a hard time finding that soulmate who would complete you and mirror your spirit.
ReplyDeleteBut don't lose hope. You are still young. Enjoy your freedom and be patient until the right one comes along. HE is out there - it's just a matter of the "right time" until you will cross paths.:)
Lovely blog.
I know precisely what you mean. Freedom is irreplaceable. It's nice to be able to gallivant off to the far corners of the world without causing anybody distress. But on the other hand...it sure would be nice to have a partner, an intimate friend, an understanding significant other out there on the road. You've hit it perfectly.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks to believe in LOVE. Capital L,O,V,E. Maybe it's even unrealistic. Those of us raised on Disney and anime start to get unrealistic expectations, some say. But don't you think it's possible that, somewhere out there, there's SOMEBODY who will "get" you, tells you he loves you every day, understands when you're quirky or smirky, and raises a few eyebrows himself in return?
"Not a spark but a bonfire..."
Beautiful, beautiful post, Jane. If you have a fault, it's that you won't settle.
And by the bye...that picture up top is transcendent in its beauty.
@Laura: you are too kind. you're right, i do need to be patient, but it's so damn hard when it's spring and people are frisky and i feel lonely. sigh. i guess life isn't easy though, right? and maybe the best things are worth waiting for. and your blog isn't so bad yourself ;)
ReplyDelete@Postman: thank you for understanding. i may feel pretty isolated, but it's slightly comforting to know that at least someone out there gets what i'm trying to say. i have chosen/been given a hard road, that of needing to forever seek and search and explore, and it would be so "nice" to have a partner. thank you for getting that.
haha, "raised on disney and anime" is a great way of describing it. that and sappy old-fashioned children's novels where they always end up together. maybe it's unrealistic, but what else can we do? we HAVE to believe that somewhere out there they are waiting too, otherwise...well, let's just say it wouldnt be good.