The First Dream I've Had Where I Interact with Him (because usually he is present but I ignore him)

Vivid dreams every night. It's great, and awful. I feel like I'm haunted, and it's terrible, but I relish the FEELING, y'know? FEELING. 

But this morning on the end of sleep/verge of waking, I dreamt I was with my Austrian roommates watching 101 Dalmations, drinking wine and eating a popsicle, when the doorbell rang and it was secondary and annoying, but Kelly started to get up and go get it, but she was pregnant and struggling so I pushed her down and said hey, I'll get it. So I walk downstairs, and all of the sudden it's our old house in Edmonton's front door, with the crescent of glass at the top of the door, and I see some spikes of brown hair and my stomach twists and I think oh no. 

But I open the door anyway, and it is J, and he has his glasses on and is wearing his navy blue jacket with the toggles, and he looks at me through the glass door and his eyes are wet and half-filled with tears exactly like when we said goodbye at Thanksgiving and he hugged me and sort of sniffle/cried. Back when we were still ignoring common sense, and before I went to Winnipeg, and before he stopped taking his meds and relapsed and went back to his dark world where I couldn't follow him.

So I see Him and neither of us say a word, he just looks at me with wet eyes and my heart has stopped beating, my lungs have stopped working, my brain is full of half-formed thoughts like He misses me? Why? How? I'm mad and sad and SO FUCKING INCREDIBLY HAPPY but all I do is slowly, so very slowly, sink onto the step, sit down, and start to open the glass door, never breaking eye-contact the entire time, but as soon as he opens his mouth, and before my bum completely comes to rest on the step, I wake up.

And start crying. 

December 9, 2012

Had a lovely dinner with my roommates at the Sugar Bowl tonight- a place more than any other I've been to that I can genuinely describe as "warm"- warm lighting, warm people, warm music, etc. We drank some awesome beer, ate some fabulous lamb burgers, and laughed our asses off. I swear, these 3 individuals have been my life-savers this past semester. I've come to depend on them so much for providing a sense of normality and perspective when my own internal thoughts sweep me into a dark spiral.
And it was snowing when we left too. I wanted to walk part way across the High Level Bridge, but it was cold, and I had an essay to finish for the next day. So we just danced home. Literally. They remind me of my cousins, Jacq/Ben/Em. We don't give a shit what other people think of us when we're together, and we can be loud and crazy and glow. It's the high spirits that old people shake their head at and grumble. The joie de vie that sad boring grey people try to emulate with perfume. The feeling of invincibility and power that makes cheerleaders and quaterbacks so popular. Ah. It's glorious. Once in a while it's good to feel this and remember it for when the darkness sucks you in and leaves you bruised and hurt and broken at the bottom of a pit, staring at the sky that is so far off and dreaming of a fresh breeze across your face.