Hi. It's nice to meet you. I'm totally really into every single you say, and I'm going to laugh at all your jokes. Because secretly you think you are hilarious, and I'm just confirming that belief, non?
What do you do? Oh, that's awesome. I never knew you could do that with a business degree. Way to not sell out just like 110% of your graduating peers. Oh haha, I'm such a ditz, and so bad at math (flip hair and bat eyelashes). I bet you are really good at math. And science. Such a smart, smart man.
Me? Oh, I have a useless degree. Seriously, I think I will either be a waitress or a stripper when I'm done. Ha, no, I've never been to a strip club before. Have you? Of course, just a laugh. Do they dance like this? (Demonstrate a little, over exaggerating.)
A drink? Sure! Scotch, on the rocks. You're so kind. Ha, I know it's rare, but I totally love Scotch! I'm such an old man! (Look at me, I'm so giggly and girly and interesting and self-deprecating. Do you even know what that means?)
Are you from here? Must be nice to have grown up in the same city all your life...(cue wistful smile). Well, actually, yes, I have travelled. But let's not talk about that (look mysterious and deep). Have you? What's your favourite city? Yes, I've heard that those 2 week tours of Europe are so incredible. A city a day. How... compact. You must have made some really great friends on that trip. Oh, you went with your 5 best friends from high school. Who needs to make friends when you have some along with you, am I right? Right? Haha. Yeah, travelling is so overrated. But it obviously makes you such an interesting person!
What kind of movies do you like to watch? Yeah, horror movies give me nightmares. A friend told me that one was really good though! You silly, I bet you were totally scared. Big, brave boy. I bet you were freaked out. Aww, thanks. I probably would feel way safe if you watched it with me (put hand on arm). You could protect me with your muscles and knives and stuff.
A gun? Oh, for hunting? Oohh, a bow and arrow makes WAY more sense for deer hunting. Silly me, duh, I should have thought of that- lead totally ruins the taste of wild game. Yes, I completely agree! Those stupid activists have no idea what it is like when you're actually out there, in the woods, cold, alone, hungry, with everything trying to kill you. Your dad used to take you? Who do you go with now? Oh, I'm so so sorry to hear that. Your poor mother. Do you see him at holidays at least? Aww. You must have had so much responsibility thrust upon your shoulders, how rough for you. Mmm. Mmhmm. Oh, I see. Oh. Aww. (Various sympathetic noises inserted throughout depressing monologue.)
Another drink? Are you sure? Here, let me pay... oh, fine. You are the best.
Oh, thank you. Ha, that's so sweet. No, YOU should model. This is kind of a secret, but I actually did some modelling once. Promise not to tell anyone though, right? It's just so embarrassing (blush and look modest).
Well, I actually have to go now.
Coffee? I adore coffee. Starbucks is my favourite...sorry, you're right, nothing beats Tim Hortons. But Starbucks is a close second, with it's whipped cream and fruit and burnt beans. Haha, I don't know, I don't think I'm doing anything tomorrow. With you? Sure, why not? We have so much in common, and it's fascinating talking to you, hearing all about your life. My number? Well, how about you give me yours, and I'll text you if I'm free.
Ha, no, I'm not playing that kind of game.
No, I'm serious. I'm tired. My friends are ready to go.
Thank you for the drinks.