Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Well Wishers

I think it's kind of sick and twisted. At least, it makes me feel wrong in some way, and I can't figure it out yet whether it actually it wrong, or if it's just societies morals. But he makes such darn good playlists! Seriously, le Terrible has an incredible talent for putting together a list of uncommon songs that flows and is interesting; so good in fact that even though I hate his guts I can't stop listening to them. And my family can't either. Even my father thinks he has great taste in music and plays his "Waterloo Sunset" playlist (created circa 2008) on repeat while he's cooking. And my sister D, who disliked him from the very beginning 5 years ago, will put on a list of his songs from 2010 at a party.

Every time I would go travelling he would make me a playlist (or 4). And I would listen to them over and over and over again, while on a train, or an airplane, or trying to sleep in a hostel. They made me feel safe, like I was in a movie and could deal with any problems that came my way.
But it feels wrong to listen to his music and get such pleasure out of it when it is tied to him so indelibly. Some part of me wants to ask him for a new playlist for my upcoming trip, but how could I use someone like that, especially when I refuse to even acknowledge his presence in the halls or on the street? I am not superstitious, but those playlists seem to have brought me luck and safety when I am vulnerable and alone on the other side of the planet, and I feel uncertain about embarking abroad again without one on my ipod to listen to while waiting to catch a flight in a foreign airport. It's such a contrast to how he himself makes me feel, which is angry, anxious, and sad.  It's like HE is out to get me, but his music makes me free. Sigh.

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