Elevators and Deliveries

I have been doing deliveries downtown for the cafe for the past two weeks during the day, in addition to my other jobs. It's odd to be amongst the dead-eyed office workers, wearing sweaters and long pants because of the air conditioning, while I run around in cut-off jean shorts and messy hair from the wind outside. It's very much solidified what I already suspected- that I could never work in a typical office environment. There is something about the lack of independence and troubled visibility of a bigger picture or scheme, the repetitive mundane tasks and the unclear hierarchy, all set under horrendous florescent lights and in a maze-like setting that just makes me think of purgatory, or how hell is portrayed in that movie "Wristcutters". 

Because most of the buildings I deliver to are government offices, I get used to seeing some of the same people every day. In particular, it hit me this week that this one building, North Petroleum Tower, is where someone I would very much like to avoid seeing works. It brought up these memories, and these thoughts, and because it has been 6 months since we fought and I blocked him on FB and told him to never call me again, I've had lots of time to bury my memories and thoughts and let them s******. Perhaps it's because it has been so long, but this week I've been able to rationally and quietly, with no great emotional investment, just mentally touch and probe these feelings. Perhaps that's why I had a dream about him last night, not a bad or a good dream, just a boring dream. Perhaps that's why this afternoon when I went to North Petroleum Tower to pick up our dishes, I had this dizzying sense that I was going to see him. As I approached the elevators, I thought I heard his voice but I shook it off as nonsense. Then I rounded the corner, and perhaps that's why I wasn't surprised when I saw him standing 15 feet away from me, by the doors. He was looking at his phone, and after the slap-in-the-face feeling of recognition, my gut reaction was to back up slowly, away, around the corner where he wouldn't see me. I took maybe two steps backwards when he looked up, saw me, and we both froze. If my face was mirroring his, it would have been horrified. 

So I moved forward. I wasn't sure how he would react, how I would react. All I knew was that this was an Awkward Situation, and if Nolan taught me anything, it was how to bury your true feelings and behave like an adult in Awkward Situations. 

The conversation must have sounded somewhat normal. I hope so. I believe so. I don't know how long we chatted for, but afterwards on my walk back to the elevators I felt stunned, numb, unreal. 

At least now that initial encounter is out of the way. Next time will be easier I know. But the thought that kept looping through my head for the rest of the day, and even now, is how small E-town is. How tiny our world is, and how powerful our thoughts seem some days. 

Le Terrible is Back

This is a terrible picture of Le Terrible. He looks creepy. Maybe he is.
Not long after saying that Le Terrible had left my life forever, he returned. This afternoon, in fact.

I hadn't seen him in months, but everyone else had. Today, though, I managed to run into him 3 times in the space of an hour. Twice I could avoid eye contact and duck through doors. The third time though, I confronted the wolf. My stomach was twisted in knots, and my head felt full of blood and air. The way I gave myself strength to approach him was my ol' tried and true method of asking myself: WWND? Or, What Would Nolan Do?( Nolan being the first breaker of my heart when I was 20 years old, but he had extraordinary social skills that I still sometimes find myself emulating today.)
So I walked up to where he was sitting, and said Hey, how's it going?
He didn't speak for two seconds, and I thought he was going to ignore me completely, and I felt myself dying of embarrassment. Then he said
I saw you sitting up there, in Skyview.
And then I was out of control motor-mouthing:
Oh yeah, it's a good place to sit, to perch like a vulture, you know, just watch people and prey? Hahaha, but the seats are so uncomfortable, I don't know why I still sit up there, the chairs are bolted to the ground and don't move, and there is no leg room, haha, you know...
He half smiled, his eyes never leaving my face.
Look, I've got to go practice my Italian script, I said, probably blushing furiously by now.
Ok, he said.
Ok, bye, see ya, and I waved as I walked off.
I'm just glad I got it over with. It made me feel mature, the whole polite saying hi thing. It had to happen some time, we do run in the same circles.